New Mom Old Mom

This weekend, I got to learn once again, just how hard it is to be a parent — particularly when your child is hurting.

My 12-year-old daughter is a competitive swimmer, and has been for six years.  She swims year-round, and it is her only sport.  She’s good.  And during the past year, she’s really made some enormous strides, moving from a “middle of the packer” to a “top of the packer” within her club and age group.  Last fall, she decided she wanted to go to Zones this year, which is a regional swim meet in August that requires swimmers to achieve a “Triple A” time, or an “AAA” time standard within USA Swimming, Central Zones.  (While I’m a swim parent, let me say that I may not have the wording correct here. I’m still learning, as my daughter progresses in the sport).

Anyway, my daughter set her Zones goal, and then did the work to achieve the goal. She upped her practice from 2-3 times/week to 4-5/times per week (each practice is nearly 2 hours, so it’s a big commitment).  By the time summer, long-course swim season arrived, she had mostly A times and a few double A’s.  She became even more focused.  She worked really hard.  My husband and I made sure to enter her in all the swim meets we could this summer to give her as many chances as possible to achieve this goal.   And she made sacrifices, too, by giving up sleepovers so that she’d be rested for a morning meet, or skipping friends’ birthday parties altogether in order to attend an out-of-town swim meet. 

This past weekend was her last shot at her triple at a championship meet in Carbondale, IL.  Her coach anticipated that she would get the time; she EXPECTED to get the time; her friends thought it would happen; and I was fairly certain she’d pull it off. She was within ½ second to 4 seconds away in a number of swimming events. 

Unfortunately, she didn’t swim as well as she expected.  In fact, on the last morning of the meet, her coach pulled her from the relay because she added enough time in her swim to knock her out of the top 4 in her age group for that event.  She was devastated, crying and deflated.  But she still had two more events to swim, plus finals that evening.  I wasn’t sure what to do for her or what to say to her.  I reminded her that what her coach did was fair – the other girls swam better than her that day and they deserved the relay spots.  I also reminded her that she wasn’t swimming her best, and that she could do better.  Then I gave her a hug.  She didn’t feel comforted, and I felt like I was failing, too. 

I walked away from her, cried a few tears myself over my inability to help her, and then went back to talk to her one more time.  Here’s what I said:

“You’ve worked hard for nine months.  You’ve made the deposits into this account, and now you need to make your withdrawals (I read that somewhere in a swimming-related article, so I apologize to the original thought-author).  You came here expecting this to happen, but it’s not going to happen because you expect it.  It’s going to happen because you apply what you’ve learned this year.

“Now, remember something else which is more important.  Swimming a triple isn’t a life skill that will get you anywhere.  But, recovering from this defeat, and rallying yourself so that you can go back out there in your remaining swims and put your best foot forward – now that’s a life skill worth having.” 

My “little girl” made me proud.  She swam her two remaining events and got new “best times” (another swim term).  She made it to finals, and got new best times that evening in all three events, as well.  And, she came within 2/100s of a second of achieving her Triple A.

No – she didn’t get her time.  But she rallied, which I think was even more difficult.  And, she remained on the deck after her events to cheer for her friends and teammates (who replaced her on that relay). I didn’t tell her to do that, she just did it. 

She’s been coveting a new Nike swim bag that I had told her would be a present before going to Zones.  I changed my mind – it’s a present her Dad and I bought for her yesterday to remind her how proud we are of her.

Being pregnant at 40 offers me some perspective that I didn’t have when I was pregnant with my first two children (in 1995 and 1998).  That perspective has been particularly helpful in the area of baby merchandise. 

One of the first things people asking me when I announced this pregnancy was, “Did you keep anything?” Well — I kept the baby furniture (thought I’d want it for grandkids someday).  I also kept the saucer, stroller and pack-and-play (which were helpful when my nephews visited).  Other than that,  I didn’t keep anything save for a few articles of clothing that I stored in a box labeled “clothes I cannot part with.” 

One wise neighbor with three very young children of her own told me that when you have children later in life, you realize that all you really need is a crib and diapers.  I love that concept, but it’s probably over-simplifying things a bit.  Still, I haven’t been tempted to buy as many gadets, pretty accessories, or other non-essentials just because the “baby marketers” say I need them. 

Yesterday, a friend asked me what I need.  So, I decided to make a list of items that I think are “must haves.” Maybe in a future post, I’ll write about the items that will be “helpful or fun, but not necessary.” 

Here’s my list of must-haves:

Nursery bedding -  (already ordered it from beyondbedding.com -  http://www.beyond-bedding.com/boutique-french-toile-sage-designer-crib-baby-bedding-nursery-set.html)   I did discover that all the cutesy stuff that I found so adorable as a younger mother just wasn’t working for me as a 40-year-old who has defined her decorating style a little more.  So, this sage greenFrench toile was a perfect option for me. (Did I mention I’m having a girl?)

Swing — I know how helpful these can be with babies who are comforted by them, but I also know how short-lived their usefulness can be.  So, I bought an adorable one at a resale shop called “Once Upon a Child” http://www.ouac.com/ouac/myheadline.asp?S=7322&P=4225&PubID=4339  I got it for $50, and it retails at target for $139. http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-1/qid=1185303488/ref=sr_1_1/601-0297648-8284971?ie=UTF8&asin=B0001IU5HY

Breast Pump - I nursed the first two until they were 12 months and 14 months, and plan to nurse this one. I love it.  It’s one of the best parts of being a mom.  But a good breast pump is essential.  I’m still shopping for one.  I had a simple Medela model back in 1995, and it had its limitations.  And I recently saw an ad for a new Playtex model for under $100.  I’m hoping they’ve drastically improved over the years. Any advice?

Infant Car Seat - Bought one with two bases from a friend. It’s dark in color, which I think is essential, since so much gets on them that they’re impossible to keep clean. But, I’m pining for one of those stroller/carseat combos.  I just can’t justify the expense, since I still have my stroller that is in all but perfect condition. Plus, I wonder if it’s worth it, since they outgrow the infant car seats, but don’t outgrow the stroller.  Again, I’d be open to thoughts.

Jogging Stroller — as a distance runner who has completed two marathons and who plans to be back to training within weeks of birth (I hope/pray), I will definitely need a high quality jogging stroller.  I had a “lower quality” jogger with my first one, and a decent quality double jogger when I had Baby No. 2, but this time around, I hope to get a delux model.  Of course, babygirl won’t be able to “jog” with me until spring, so I’ve got a few months to research this item.

Baby Monitor — boy are there tons of these to choose from these days.  I don’t know where to start, and may end up buying one used.  I think I could do without one if I still lived in a ranch-style house, but with a two-story that includes a finished basement with my office a treadmill, I think this will be an essential.  Graco, Fisher-Price and Safety 1st seem to dominate this market, and I’m guessing they’re comparable.

Baby Miscellaneous

• infant gowns (much more user friendly at 2 a.m. than sleepers); binkies (I had one thumb-sucker, and will try to avoid it if possible);
•  a few soft, cuddly blankets (I’m partial to Gymboree — http://www.gymboree.com/shop/dept_item.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524445967648&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306231082&bmUID=1185304783755&productSizeSelected=0 I love the feel of them, although I recently visited an online site that offered Carter’s blankets (which have a similar feel for less money) http://www.bugaboopark.com/product.php?pid=1118  
• cloth diapers (for burping, messes, NOT for wearing.  I did the cloth diaper thing for a few weeks back in 1995.  NOT doing it again –ever!)
• baby music (tapes or CDs to play and sing along with during the bedtime routine.  I really think it helps establish a routine that can soothe a baby, and it’s easy to take that part of the “routine” on the road, making travel much more enjoyable. I had a tape that I loved years ago with all the baby lullaby classics, but I can’t find it, or a tape-player to play it in. So, I’m in search of some new baby CDs with a similar songlist)

I’m sure I’m forgetting lots of things, but these are the items that come to mind right now.  I welcome any thoughts/advice on this must-have’s list.

I started this blog for a lot of reasons. One of those is that I find myself in a somewhat unique situation — I’m 40, and pregnant (by choice) with my third child.  My first two are ages 9 and 12, so I was, in many ways, on easy street.  In fact, for many years, my husband and I believed we were done on the baby front.  But over the last few years, I felt a tug to return to the world of baby powder smells, nursing, diapers, receiving blankets, etc.  Okay, I admit it — I wanted to be needed like only the mother of a newborn is needed.  (or the mother of a toddler, preschooler, etc.)

So, in 2007, I became pregnant with my third (I’m due in October) and I turned 40.  I’m just over halfway through this pregnancy, and while I’m not one of those women who loves being pregnant, I’m trying to do it a little differently this time.  I’m older and wiser, and I know how fast it goes.  It really seems like just yesterday that my 12-year-old was giving me her first smile, saying her first word, or taking her firs steps. 

 In this blog, I hope to write about parenting, pregnancy at 40, preparing for a new baby while also managing the busy lives of a “tween” and an active boy, and then, come October, being a new mom and an old mom, all at once.